Being Unfaithful

[cdnmatt]

I was in a lousy relationship, but for both of us there was no problem about sex with others because we understood the difference between love and lust. Quite often we would go to a bar together. He would take one boy off and I would take another. Often he would even help me decide which boy to take. He would go to the boy's room and I would take the boy I had offed to our room. At some point the next day, he would return.

Yeah, but that's not a relationship. That's just a couple guys enjoying their time together. That's why you're not together now. The fun ran out.

Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with that. If that's what makes the two of you happy, by all means, go for it!

[Gaybutton]

Yeah, but that's not a relationship. That's just a couple guys enjoying their time together. That's why you're not together now. The fun ran out.

Maybe not according to you, but to us it was a relationship. You're making quite an assumption as to why we ended it. Thats might be your guess, but you weren't there and can't possibly have the first clue as to why we ended it. The reasons we ended it had nothing to do with sex.

However, RichLB asked for serious answers, and that means we shouldn't be going off on a tangent. So let's not. Why my former boyfriend and I ended our relationship has nothing to do with the subject of this thread. I suggest, if you want to discuss that sort of thing, that you start a new thread, the subject of which would be why people's relationships ended.

[penguin]

All relationships have their own version of 'faithfulness'. Open, monogamous, polyamourous, whatever. They all need work to maintain. In my experience though, whatever the relationship, sexual fidelity is less important than the emotional fidelity to whatever the parameters of the relationship are. When that emotional fidelity goes, or is distracted elsewhere (and usually it happens blamelessly) then things have to change. The original relationship has to adapt or end.

[RichLB]

In asking this forced choice question over the years, you might be interested to know that 90 percent of gays respond that they are far less accepting of emotional infidelity than sexual infidelity. The surprising thing, to me, is that the reverse is true for the straight folks I've posed this question to. They are almost to a person willing to accept their partner falling in love with another (and remaining in relationship) than they are their partner having sex with another. It mystifies me. Does anyone have any theories why that might be true?

[cdnmatt]

Does anyone have any theories why that might be true?

Simple human biology would be my guess. Men have testosterone, women have estrogen. Two gay guys can empathize with each other better than a man & woman, because well, they're both men, hence they can understand & fore-go the sexual encounters part.

We're men, we want sex, and other man can understand & empathize with that, whereas women can't so much. I bet if you posed the same question to lesbians, the answer would be opposite to that of gays.

[Undaunted]

I did not cast a vote as I think both are good reasons not to be involved in a relationship! My little experience with Thai gay boys has taught me they are emotional nightmares. I prefer a good friendship and sex with a bi or straight Thai guy anytime over a relationship with a gay Thai.

[catawampuscat]

I find the term "partner" difficult in this context.
In the USA, partner implies significant other or husband/wife.
There is also a sense of equality in the word.
Equality in education and in income or income producing ability.
"Boyfriend" works better for almost all of us, excluding those who have found fluent English speaking,
university educated professionals who don't require any financial assistance from his farang and even
pay half the expenses and pick up the check bins sometimes..

[YardenUK]

I did not cast a vote as I think both are good reasons not to be involved in a relationship! My little experience with Thai gay boys has taught me they are emotional nightmares. I prefer a good friendship and sex with a bi or straight Thai guy anytime over a relationship with a gay Thai.

Like everyone here I guess we all had our nightmare experiences with Thais but ALSO non-Thais - that's the nature of life. I don't see Thais are being more of a nightmare than any other race - it's the individual not the ethnicity.

I know exactly what you mean about great sex/friendship with no strings attached, but I guess I am someone who likes more - that little thing called "love" (and respect) and I wouldn't change my Malay hubby for the world

[Grimmy]

I don't think anyone can dictate what makes a relationship except for the people involved in the relationship. Therefore, I think the terms "faithful" and "unfaithful" will have multiple meanings...depending on the couple. For me, my LTR has evolved with both expectations and realism. When I started out, I too believed sexual monogamy was the defining pillar of our LTR. As the years passed, however, things changed. I still don't fool around all that much, nor does he... but it does happen. Bottom line is we always come home to each other and our love has only grown because of it.

Different strokes for different folks and all.

Grimmy

[bao-bao]

All relationships have their own version of 'faithfulness'. Open, monogamous, polyamourous, whatever. They all need work to maintain. In my experience though, whatever the relationship, sexual fidelity is less important than the emotional fidelity to whatever the parameters of the relationship are. When that emotional fidelity goes, or is distracted elsewhere (and usually it happens blamelessly) then things have to change. The original relationship has to adapt or end.

Of all the responses this is the closest to how I'd reply, too.

If I had a Thai partner and they just had to have some variety I'd ask for three things: 1) Be safe - meaning use condoms for any activity, 2) pick a Thai for your playmate and 3) Don't let me find out, and don't tell me about it. The emotional stability of the relationship would be severely damaged if they couldn't follow these three requests - probably beyond repair. Just to save some of you reply time, yes - it's most likely because of my own insecurities that I'd feel more threatened by a farang playmate.

Men are wired differently than women. The late comedian Lenny Bruce once said "A man can walk through a plate glass window and in the ambulance on the way to the hospital make a pass at the nurse". You put two men together attempting to be monogamous and it's a challenging situation.