Finding Mr. Right - If You're So Inclined

[Dodger]

Werner, fountainhall and GB,

Thank you very much for your thoughtful comments, and GB for giving the green light to post sections of my book on the board. I will give this some thought and only hesitate because none of the completed chapters have gone through the first phase of editing yet, and believe me they need it.

GB,

The story you shared of your friend from Germany was disturbing, but as you stated, an unfortunate reality.

One of the mistakes I made repeatedly was forgetting to set realistic expectations when it came to the boys. I envisioned myself as Richard Gere sweeping a young factory worker (Debra Winger) off her feet in "An Officer and a Gentleman", never for a minute realizing that the huge age gap, let alone the cultural differences, made this totally unrealistic.

Your saying..."If you want love in Thailand, rent it" certainly has merit.

The Buddhists refer to this as Impermanence: Nothing is forever. We own nothing. Love is what you perceive it to be. We are all rented.

[Gaybutton]

We are all rented.

Do you have to submit a TM-30 for that . . . ?

Regarding your book, take your time. Whenever you are ready, if you wish to do so I will be happy for you to post on this board.

[Dodger]

Dodger, you write extremely well and have had such an interesting and unusual life.

So he opened the door to the car park. As it was almost closed, it opened again and he looked at me almost quizzically. Then he was gone. Gone for ever! When he did not call the next day, I phoned him. No reply. I looked at his app page. It was no longer there. None of my calls or messages ever received a reply. He totally vanished - and I had absolutely no idea why!

This just put a huge lump in my throat and I can just imagine your feelings at the time.

My closest farang friend from Ireland visits Pattaya twice a year at 3 month duration's similar to my routine in the past. He had a Thai boyfriend for about 3 years that he fell head-over-heels for back when we first met that he dedicated his entire life to, including of course financial support.

At his boyfriend's request, my friend had a new home built and completely furnished for him up in the boy's home village in Kalasin. Their plans were to use this as their permanent residence when my friend retired. Just a few months after completing the home my friend was back in Ireland working when he received a phone call from his boyfriend who was requesting an additional 25,000 baht to be sent to his account because of some problem he was having with the new roof on the home. My friend sent the money and returned to Thailand to see his boyfriend a few months later.

After arriving at Don Maung, my friend hopped a bus for another 8 hour trek up to Kalasin arriving at his new home in the dead of night excited as hell to see his boyfriend and their new dwelling. After several knocks on the door an elderly Thai lady finally opened the door, and at first glance, my friend spotted a dozen people sleeping on the floor and none of the furnishings he had just purchased were visible. After a few minutes of heated conversation a young girl who spoke a little English joined in the conversation and informed my friend that her mother had just purchased the home, and the seller, his boyfriend, took all the furnishings with him. Rumor has it that the boy is now shacked up somewhere with his Thai boyfriend and has opened up a beauty salon.

[Gaybutton]

Rumor has it that the boy is now shacked up somewhere with his Thai boyfriend and has opened up a beauty salon.

Why am I not surprised? I've lost count of the number of similar stories I've both heard and read about over the years in Thailand. When a farang starts parting with large amounts of money for the Thai boyfriend, that's a recipe for disaster. Too many farang searching for Mr. Right end up with Mr. Wrong.

Once again, there are exceptions and some farang really do find their Mr. Right, but for those who want to be safe from these kinds of disasters happening to them, what do you do? Here's a hint: "If you want love in Thailand . . . ."


"As long as there's no find, the noble brotherhood will last. But when the piles of gold begin to grow, that's when the trouble starts."
- Walter Huston (Howard), 'The Treasure of the Sierra Madre'

[Jun]

At his boyfriend's request, my friend had a new home built and completely furnished for him up in the boy's home village in Kalasin.

... the seller, his boyfriend, took all the furnishings with him. Rumor has it that the boy is now shacked up somewhere with his Thai boyfriend and has opened up a beauty salon.

There are so many stories like this.
As far as I can see, it only makes sense to "invest" this kind of money if you are a high net worth individual spending a minute percentage of your wealth AND you understand how it's likely to pan out. Naturally, the boy has to be exceptional whilst it lasts.

Of course, most high net worth individuals are wealthy because they know how to look after money, so I imagine a lot of these cases involve a farang with initially adequate financial backing that takes a significant hit.

[ceejay]

I will say again something that I have said before, and more than once. The farang who get into the most trouble are the ones who deceive themselves. Which brings me to my advice for anyone looking for a long term relationship.
Stop looking.
This is for several reasons:
If you are actively looking for an LTR you will come across as needy. That makes you vulnerable to the exploitative boys.
You will also, if you are not careful, choose to try a doomed LTR with someone unsuitable - simply because you have been looking so hard, without success, that you have decided that this someone is the best available. Seeking an LTR with the attitude that, if it doesn't happen, then it doesn't is the only way to avoid this..
If you search actively, you will probably have a predetermined "type" you are looking for. This excludes most of the world and many of the farang I know with successful relationships will say "It was a surprise to me. I never thought I would end up living with a (lady boy, twink, muscle guy, fat 50 year old ....etc. etc. etc - you fill in the blank)".
The above is especially true if your "type" is under 25. Can you remember what you were like when you were 19 or 20? Very probably an idiot. You need to revise that "type" and look for 30+ IMHO. A 19 or 20 year old is good for many things - living with him is very rarely one of them.
Finally, you need a change of attitude. A boyfriend in an LTR is not a money boy on a long term contract. He is not a sex slave, or a house boy. He is an equal and that means sometimes deferring to his wishes - which you are probably not used to with money boys. You will have a lot of rough to take with the smooth. If you want a long term money boy make a deal with him agree a salary and treat him like the favoured employee that he is.

[ceejay]

This was the case with several of the gay professionals I was interacting with, as they seemed somewhat guarded in their responses with a hint of paranoia. The exception to this being the younger guys who were still attending college and looking for ways to get their tuition money. No hesitation or guarded responses there whatsoever...

There is also a Thai way of the serial Sugar Daddy. A man with enough money, often married, will "sponsor" a student through University. After 3 or 4 years are up and the young man has graduated they both move on - the young man quite possibly to marriage, children and "respectability", and the "sponsor" to a new protege.

[fountainhall]

Since you said this was a few years ago, have you recently tried contacting him again? I would try it from a telephone number he would not recognize. I think he at least owes you an explanation. If you get one, which I doubt, I would never recommend reestablishing the relationship. If it happened once, it is too much of an emotional risk that it might happen again. And since none of us are getting any younger, I, for one, don't need that kind of risk at this stage of the game.

For a time it was tempting to make a call from a phone he would not recognise. And then I realised it would achieve nothing. Even if he had answered, I did not want an explanation. I did not want to reopen what at the time was a wound of sorts. I reckoned if he had had any regrets in the days following that last 'look' (cue for Lloyd Webber's number from Sunset Boulevard!), he would have got in touch. He didn't. That chapter of my story was over. And as has happened to most - if not all - of us, I moved on. Thankfully I did not remain single for as long as I thought I might.

[Gaybutton]

He is an equal and that means sometimes deferring to his wishes - which you are probably not used to with money boys..

From what I have seen, precisely the opposite is what usually happens. There is no equality about it and the dominant one is rarely the farang. The farang is so afraid of losing the relationship, he gives in to just about anything the boy wants, anything the boy does, and anything the boy demands. I've seen that so many times.

The lucky ones finally wise up and get rid of the boy before it is too late, but there are far too many that let themselves continue be used and abused. If the money finally runs out, so does the boy.

If I've learned nothing else over the years, I've learned when I start seeing "red lights," time to say bye bye.

[Dodger]

Since you said this was a few years ago, have you recently tried contacting him again? I would try it from a telephone number he would not recognize. I think he at least owes you an explanation. If you get one, which I doubt, I would never recommend reestablishing the relationship. If it happened once, it is too much of an emotional risk that it might happen again. And since none of us are getting any younger, I, for one, don't need that kind of risk at this stage of the game.

For a time it was tempting to make a call from a phone he would not recognise. And then I realised it would achieve nothing. Even if he had answered, I did not want an explanation. I did not want to reopen what at the time was a wound of sorts. I reckoned if he had had any regrets in the days following that last 'look' (cue for Lloyd Webber's number from Sunset Boulevard!), he would have got in touch. He didn't. That chapter of my story was over. And as has happened to most - if not all - of us, I moved on. Thankfully I did not remain single for as long as I thought I might.

Fountainhall...Thank you.

I was just getting ready to answer GB's question but you have done that for me.

There are situations in life where "words" simply don't have any purpose or value, and this was one of them.

To me, the ending of a relationship, as depressing and gloomy as they can be, is also cause for celebration - because a new adventure is about to begin, and not knowing who you're going to end up next is by far the most exhilarating part of the journey.