I've been asked to provide another snippet from the world of Behavioral Science. Recognizing that all models from this field are simplifications, I thought I'd give it a go.
All of us are adept at talking to other people. But, my guess is that some conversations are involving and others far less so. Hopefully, this model might shed some light on why.
At the most basic level of exchange is the "There-Then/Cognitive" focus. Those fixated on this form center their conversation on events, people, things, etc. that exist somewhere else or at some time in the past. While it may be entertaining to the speaker, it leaves little opportunity for the conversational partner to be more than an audience. At best an exchange might take place through a sharing of similar There-Then/Cognitive inputs, but the result is usually a battle for air time as each person jockeys for dominance.
Of course, very few of us limit ourselves only to this level of exchange. However, for those that do, there can be many reasons and consequences. It shields them from being impacted by those around them. You'll find these folks often as dismissive of the ideas and experiences of others. They become masters of "make wrong" or worse, simply ignore the ideas of others.
There-Then/Affective inputs focus on the feelings generated in the speakers past. If these events are universal enough to be shared by the other, it will often spark a reminiscence of emotions common to both people. We can find examples of this in conversations about early coming out experiences, the heart ache of failed relationships, or the excitement of earlier sexual adventures.
The There-Then/Affective dimension provides some conversational satisfactions as the emotions from the past are ignited. Note, however, that participants are still shielded from direct impact as their current being is not addressed. You can think of it as two tabloid "tell alls" involved with each other.
Here-Now/Cognitive exchanges offer the opportunity for mutual impact. It focuses on current ideas, points of view, and ideas. As the participants share their insights each person can influence the thoughts of the other. However, to be successful, all parties must be flexible enough to incorporate the thoughts of the other, listen to them, and both amplify and evaluate these ideas
It is not unusual for Here-Now/Cognitive discussions to evolve into spirited debate giving each person a chance to expand and alter their own thoughts. A willingness to accept change is essential for such dialogues to take place. If not, it is likely the conversation will devolve into a There-Then/Cognitive exchange with each person treating the other as an audience to their point of view.
Here-Now/Affective exchanges are far more rare, yet the most satisfying. Here current feelings are presented.. If the emotions are positve ones, there is the danger of threatening the other who may not know how to accept and be enhanced by such intimacy. If the feelings are negative ones, defensiveness, self justification, and denial may result. However, if both parties have reached interpersonal maturity, the Here-Now/Affective results in true relationships developing and forms the basis for enduring friendships.
Ok, that's it. I know some people relate to these inputs as psychobabble and I apologize for that. I enjoy refreshing my memory of past lectures and welcome the chance to do more of it if asked.